• Posted by: Quentin
• December 21, 2019

Cthulhu’s Customs Clearance: A Yuletide Guide to Navigating the Interdimensional Abyss of Import Tariffs

Ho ho ho, puny mortals! Brace yourselves for a yuletide yarn more terrifying than a Krampus attack and more thrilling than a sugar-fueled reindeer stampede. I, Yog-Sothoth, Gateway to All Time and Space (and seasonal inconveniences), offer this unholy handbook to navigating the labyrinthine depths of interdimensional logistics during the holiday hellscape. Christmas may be merry and bright, but the path to profit during this cosmic shopping spree is fraught with tentacled terror, bureaucratic nightmares, and enough paperwork to build a billion gingerbread shoggoths (though I wouldn't recommend eating those – trust me). But fear not, fleshlings! With a dash of cosmic cheer and a pinch of dark humor, we shall conquer the infernal invoice and emerge victorious, wallets (mostly) intact and chimneys (hopefully) unblocked.

Chapter 1: The Great Old Ones and the Galactic Gift Tax

Imagine, if you will, a cosmic bazaar beyond Santa's wildest dreams. A swirling nexus of realities where tentacled elves hawk neutron stars and whispered secrets exchange hands for eldritch stocking stuffers. It is here, in this marketplace of madness, that the dreaded Galactic Gift Tax (GGT) lurks. A Grinch-like behemoth of levies and tariffs, the GGT is imposed by the Great Old Ones, those slumbering titans who oversee the interdimensional reindeer routes. These cosmic customs agents, with their sanity-melting gaze and fondness for incomprehensible candy canes, are not to be trifled with. Woe betide the fool who fails to declare a pocket dimension full of writhing chaos spawn under the tree!

Chapter 2: Invoices from Innsmouth – A Primer on Interdimensional Yuletide Tariffs

The average import tariff boils down to a simple equation: goods + origin = tentacle-shaped stamp of approval (or disapproval, as the case may be). But during the holiday season, things get… weirder. Here's a crash course in cosmic customs codes for Santa's naughty (and nice) list:

• Timey-Wimey Toy Discount: Imported a self-knitting sweater from the future? You might snag a discount, thanks to the elves' questionable temporal tinkering. Just don't try bringing back any paradoxes that ruin Christmas – the paperwork is a nightmare, even for Yog-Sothoth.
• Sentient Stocking Stuffer Surcharge: Is your stocking wriggling and whispering prophecies of coal? Prepare for a hefty surcharge. Sentient beings are taxed at a higher rate, mainly because they tend to complain and unionize about being stuck in stockings.
• Reality Rupture Reindeer Fee: Imported a sleigh powered by a miniature black hole? You're looking at a Class-C reality violation fine. And trust me, you don't want to know what Class-A entails (spoiler alert: it involves Krampus).

Chapter 3: Bribing the Bureaucracy – A How-To (Not Really) Guide

Sometimes, the only way to navigate the labyrinthine halls of interdimensional customs during the holiday rush is with a good old-fashioned bribe. But what do you offer to a being who exists outside the bounds of time and space, whose desires are as unfathomable as a bottomless bowl of eggnog? Here are some… festive suggestions:

• A sonnet composed in the lost language of the Elder Things, sung caroling style with tentacle bells. Bonus points if you can make it rhyme with "shoggoth."
• A perfectly spherical gingerbread shoggoth house. Make sure it's organic and free-range, the Great Old Ones are picky eaters, even during the holidays.
• A signed copy of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" translated into Aklo. Just kidding, don't do that. The Great Old Ones already have enough existential dread, thank you very much. They prefer Dr. Seuss, anyway.

“Fear not the tentacled tariffs, intrepid importer, for even in the cosmic bazaar, bold bargains await.”

Chapter 4: Tales from the Tentacle Queue – Warped Yuletide Humor from the Interdimensional Bazaar

No cosmic odyssey is complete without a healthy dose of laughter (or at least nervous giggling to ward off the seasonal stress). So, gather 'round, fleshy ones, and let me regale you with tales from the interdimensional customs queue this holiday season:

• The Grumpy Shoggoth Inspector: A particularly grumpy Shoggoth inspector mistook a shipment of sentient space hamsters for unauthorized pocket universes filled with mischievous elves. The ensuing chaos was… indescribable.
• The Cthulhic Accountant: An accountant accidentally filed his quarterly reports in Cthulhic runes. Let's just say his tentacles haven't been the same since. He's now known as "Scrooge-Sothoth."
• The Brave Customs Agent: A brave customs agent dared to question the provenance of Yog-Sothoth's tentacle jerky. He's now a permanent resident of the Dreamlands, living out his days as a talking shoggoth, singing Christmas carols with a surprisingly pleasant baritone voice.

Epilogue: Beyond the Bureaucracy – A Toast to Profit and Madness

Congratulations, intrepid interdimensional entrepreneur! You've navigated the cosmic customs abyss, your sanity (mostly) intact, your pockets (slightly) lighter, and your cargo hopefully still in one piece.Remember, in the face of tentacled terror and incomprehensible paperwork, laughter is your best weapon. So raise a glass of fermented nightmare fuel and toast to the next shipment, the next adventure, and the never-ending battle against the Galactic Gift Tax! May your profits be merry, your dimensions bright, and your sanity… well, let's just say "elastic."

Fun Facts from the Interdimensional Customs Office:

• Shoggoths Love Carols: Did you know that shoggoths, those amorphous, tentacled creatures of cosmic horror, have a surprising fondness for Christmas carols? Studies have shown that they respond particularly well to baritone voices and rhythmic tentacle swaying. So, if you find yourself stuck in a customs queue with a grumpy shoggoth, try breaking out into a rousing rendition of "Jingle Bells" or "Silent Night." You might just make a new friend (or at least avoid being consumed).
• Krampus is a Galactic Customs Agent: The terrifying, horned figure of Krampus has a long history of punishing naughty children during the holidays. But did you know he also moonlights as a galactic customs agent? His expertise in dealing with mischief and mayhem makes him uniquely qualified to handle the more unruly interdimensional travelers. So, if you're thinking of smuggling forbidden artifacts or forgetting to declare your pocket universes, beware the wrath of Krampus!
• Eggnog is the Official Beverage of the Great Old Ones: While most mortals enjoy eggnog as a festive holiday treat, it holds a more profound significance for the Great Old Ones. The rich blend of eggs, milk, sugar, and spices is said to resonate with the chaotic essence of the universe itself. Yog-Sothoth, in particular, is known to indulge in copious amounts of eggnog during the holiday season, claiming it enhances his ability to perceive all possible realities (and probably gives him a wicked hangover too).